May 2, 2011

Funnier Than The Funniest Movie Ever

People ask why I haven't been blogging as much. The question should be how did I ever have the time or energy to blog at all?

As you know I was "serioulsy sick" which may seem melodramatic to you unless you have 3 children crawling all over you with no possibility of sleeping, resting, recovering or experiencing assistance of any kind except the meals my friend Mama Mia Maria provided us. Mama Mia was recuperating from back surgery during my illness, received more food than she could possibly eat so she gave us her leftovers, extras and the questionable church casseroles that Mama Mia rejected some of which contained beans I could not identity.

Now The Baby, The Teenager and I will eat anything including questionable church casseroles. I really would like to get to the point in my faith where Paul the Apostle was when he got bitten by the poisonous snake and simply flung it into the fire and continued on with his life. If you don't know the story read this:

"But when Paul had gathered a bundle of sticks and laid them on the fire, a viper came out because of the heat and fastened itself on his hand.When the natives saw the creature hanging from his hand, they began saying to one another, "Undoubtedly this man is a murderer, and though he has been saved from the sea, justice has not allowed him to live."However he shook the creature off into the fire and suffered no harm. But they were expecting that he was about to swell up or suddenly fall down dead. But after they had waited a long time and had seen nothing unusual happen to him, they changed their minds and began to say that he was a god." Acts 28

Questionable church casseroles fit into the viper category in my mind.

The Boy, if forced, will sniff the food presented and 99% of the time the food substance does not pass the whiff test and I toss him an Ensure. "Here honey, mommy is too weak to open it. Please don't use your teeth. " He then sits in the same room sipping his supplement and waiting for the rest of us to swell up from the bite of the bean vipers.

I'm not sure what we would have done without Mama Mia's hand-me-down-casseroles.

After the "seriously sick" week i went back to work which I was in no way ready to do. That Friday I woke up in excruciating neck pain which I endured until the following Tuesday when I went to see my family doctor who I've known since his residency 100 years ago. We are both the same age. Old.

When I asked how the "paperless office " was going and if he had all of his charts e-filed, he informed me no but mine was as he was tired of treating me as a new patient every 5 to 8 years when I staggered in with some malady I was unable to treat myself.

I told him I was in agony and would mug his grandmother if i had to for for a muscle relaxer. He told me I had no neck movement at all and that he was only working because he and his wife's insurance premium was $2,800.00 a month.

I left with an RX for Soma and the business card of an orthopedic surgeon "who is really good with necks." For this I pay $437.00 a month to Blue Cross Blue Shield.

Three days later The Baby gets sick. We see her pediatrician at 10 AM. Conveniently, The Boy sneezes in the office blowing a yellow snot rocket across the room so the doctor e-files 6 prescriptions for The Baby and 2 prescriptions for The Boy.

Yes, e-files all 8 rx's to the wrong pharmacy. We finally made it home at 3:30 PM. By then I could swear I was partially paralyzed from the neck down.

Today I go to work where my first "angel" covers me in drool...

...while "angel's" day care provider screams, "Don't get that drool on my furniture!" Ok that I resemble one of those erupting pods in The Invasion Of The Body Snatchers just don't get that stuff on the sofa.

I leave droolly and go the the "orthopedic surgeon who is really good with necks" where I encounter the most thorough new patient paper work I have ever seen in my life including the instructions, "when you finish putting the symbols on the body (pain, numbness, burning, etc) please draw a face on the body. " A very buff male body.


So... this is obviously a test... but of what? My reading skills? My attention deficit? If I draw a happy face will they think I'm being overly-melodramatic? If I draw a sad face will they think I am a narcotics seeker?

Oh wait... that was covered on page 20 where they asked what i hoped to gain at today's appointment. Pain medication? Pain management?

Come on people!

I x'd everything out and in bold letters wrote in, "diagnosis."

Then i drew a face with a non-committal mouth and gave my self thick, curly hair and bangs.

The physicians assistant could not have been nicer when she pointed out that i could not move my neck at all and ordered a cervical MRI. Oh, and she wanted me on steroids for the inflammation. And I am forbidden to twist, bend, lift or do anything strenuous. Bwaahahahahahah!

I laughed out loud. That speech was better than the entire Nacho Libre dvd.

I refused the steroids. We argued about the steroids until it hit me...

"If I take steroids I will clean my house!"

"NO! You are to rest!"

Bwaaahahahahahaha! Again. Rest? Now that is funny.

I left with the steroid rx in my hand filled it quickly, popped two of them (6 today! wheeeeeee!) and went to my next client where I rolled around on the floor, twisted, and lifted.

My MRI is in 5 days. I find myself pondering subjects such as cervical surgery and neck halos.

My halo would probably have drying socks hanging from it. I have visions of The Boy playing ring toss when I'm out cold.

Is that all you ask? But until the steroids kick in that's' all I have the energy to write about now. Just remind me to tell you about swallowing the love bug while singing along with the Methodist church bells in the pharmacy parking lot. Who knew Bringing In The Sheaves could be so dangerous?

As you can see my beloved camera is still broken so all illustrative photos have been lifted used courtesy of Google Images.


Diane said...

So many things I want to comment on, but I can't stop laughing from, "My halo would probably have drying socks hanging from it." So sorry you are sick, if I lived closer I could...cook ummm no..I only 'heat up' food..don't cook..well, I could go to take out for you : ). Please get well. I will pray.

D said...

Bless your heart honey. I feel your, not really, but I had to LISTEN to my husband's, so I guess by proxy I UNDERSTAND your pain. (plus I work for an ortho & I've heard of your pain too)
and sometimes I sleep wrong & have a pinched nerve & bone spurs........oh wait, this was about you, right? Sorry, I lost it somewhere around snortin' the love bug.
I really will pray for you, there's nothing like feeling so bad you want to die and "they" just won't even let you do that. I would offer food, but it would be cold and fall into the questionable church casserole catagory.
Steroids CAN be your friend, if you let them :)

Elizabeth said...

Oh my god, I hate to laugh, but I am. I wish I could come over and help you. I really do.

Island Rider said...

I know that this is not nice to say, but I can't help it. I feel so much better about my life right now! Seriously, take care of yourself. You are all those children have so it is important that you do.

Anonymous said...

I love you and want you to move to Florida and be my best friend and mommy-mentor. You are my hero! I hopeyou are on the mend soon.
Jennifer N


Diane: seriously. you've met my kids. You know it is no exaggeration regarding the socks hanging on the halo.

D: Exactly! Illness is a LUXURY in this house. And you are correct ...steroids are our friends! I watched Masterpiece Theater until 1:15 am last night, got up at 5 and bounced around at work all morning. Now it's mopping, and
back to work for evening clients. weeeee.

Jennifer M: Mommy A doctor out there who I used to work with (I know you are lurking Big G) once compared my parenting skills to Roseanne Barr's.

Elizabeth and IR: My dearest dearest blogging buddies. I am so glad you feel better about your lives reading about mine. :)