I Don't Mean To Dump On You Butt...

I don't even know where to start as this post involves bodily functions and I'm trying not be be crude. We seem to have a major toilet curse in this household. About five years ago I was at the local children's hospital with 4 sick, medically complex children. I had just been diagnosed with pneumonia. When I opened our front door, arms laden with antibiotics and hacking children, we were nearly knocked on our feet by the waterfall coming from the staircase. My downstairs ceilings were on the floor and a rocketing stream of water was shooting four feet skyward from the upstairs toilet. We were instantly homeless thanks to $30,000.00 worth of structural damage and I was instantly un-employed as I worked from home. I had two foster children that had to be moved to new homes and stood helplessly watching as the baby drove away with a stranger, his little arms outstretched screaming, "mommy, mommy!" To say I have a plumbing hypersensitivity after that is an understatement. Any flush, squeak or swoosh that seems the slightest bit out of order and I'm on it like flies on immediately. I call my 90 year old father, Popi, because if I called a plumber every time i experienced plumbing paranoia I would be penniless. Recently there was a high pitched whir and within a day the toilet tank downstairs stood empty. Popi came right over and found the problem in the bowels of the tank. I don't know toilet anatomy other than "tank" and "bowl" but it was obviously a simple part and easily replaced. Unless the plumber is Popi. Popi decided, being the true OCD that he is, that he was going to replace "everything." UH-OH. We're in deep doo doo now kids...Popi and I had just gone round and round earlier about a cabinet in the garage that a neighbor gave me. The shelves were not spaced exactly 15 inches apart therefore your cleaning products would not be the "exact height or lined up symmetrically." When I commented that the cleaning products did not have to be the same height and/or lined up symmetrically you'd have thought i had just birthed a colon cannon ball in front of him. The horror. The horror.

Three days and two brand new toilet insides later Popi finishes with a flair. We not only have new toilet insides but a new handle that really isn't a handle but a pseudo-door knob with two buttons on it. He explained that one button is used for keester cakes and the other for tinkle. Of course I cannot for the life of me remember which button is which and I can already anticipate serious problems during our monthly woman's prayer meeting. In anticipation of those problems I'm contemplating having a decorative plaque made with explicit instructions regarding appropriate disposal of deposits. Maybe in a cottage decor or something with a lovely English shabby shite chic flair? As I'm sitting here contemplating the wording of the plaque/flushing instruction manual the boy approaches me. "Can I ask you a question about our new toilet? Of course, honey. "If I pee AND poop at the same time do i press both buttons?"

Oh, crap. I never thought of that.