The Secret Pepper Society: Would The Real Rose Stewart Please Step Forward?

Sep 7, 2011

Would The Real Rose Stewart Please Step Forward?

Or in our case Rose Stewart

Yesterday my cellphone rang and as usual I couldn't find it. When I finally retrieved it it was from Johnny at the Social Security office.

"Hello Mrs. Stewart. This is Johnny at Social Security and I had a few more questions to ask you about The Teenager."

'NOOOOOOOOOOO!" I shrieked out loud.

I couldn't believe I missed the call knowing full well how difficult it would be to reach him. Ever actually try to call your local Social Security office?

Also I couldn't believe he called me Mrs. Stewart. Why you ask?

That's not my name. Not even close.

That has NEVER been my name.

That is not The Teenagers name and never has been.

Now. Did you really need to ask?

On a positive note, however, I'm getting really excited regarding The Boy and his severe dyslexia! Perhaps one day he too can be a Social Security clerk!

R-O-S-E! That spells GRACE!

I immediately phoned back but received a message that the office was closed. Since Johnny (who wanted to ask me a few more questions) didn't leave his extension it was impossible to "just ask for Johnny" when the operator apparently doesn't answer after 3 PM

It was 3:10 PM

I called several times today and finally got through to Johnny who thanked me for calling him back so promptly. If he only knew.

He wanted to know what grade The Teenager completed.

Now there's a can of worms.

How do you assess "grade level completed" with an IQ of 46, a pre-k math level and a reading level of grade 2.9 over all.

We settled on second grade as Johnny was determined to get a grade "completed" out of me.

And then he starts..."Ok so if she is 18 now and she completed the second grade that would be the year 2000?'

Seriously? What don't you understand about an IQ of 46, Johnny?

Kinda reminded me of one my favorite movies, The Princess Bride and Miracle Max...

Max: Have fun stormin' da castle.
Valerie: Think it'll work?

Max: It would take a miracle.

We have 120 days to see if we successfully stormed da Social Security castle.

You'll be the first to know.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...: Mrs. Stewert you always make me laugh! Thank you.
Mrs. M; September 7, 2011 at 2:19 PM
Elizabeth said...: I'm speechless, as usual.

Dumbfounded.

Gobsmacked.

Keep us posted.; September 7, 2011 at 5:14 PM
Island Rider said...: SIGH.; September 7, 2011 at 5:33 PM
B.D.D.W. said...: Don't you just love your tax dollars at work for you . Where else could you get this kind of response to your problem. I was dumbfounded yesterday when you related this story to me now I know you were serious. Remember I can legally carry now.I think with our goverment your problem may be a very uphill battle. I hope not.Good luck my prayers are with you Mrs. Stewert,where ever you are.Call me to B@tch if you want to.; September 7, 2011 at 6:44 PM
Kathleen Scott said...: Fingers crossed for you!; September 7, 2011 at 8:25 PM
Melinda said...: Is it possible to get this blog to President Obama's desk? what the H**L is wrong with Johnny and his coworkers??? And why is everything related to federal offices so backwards?; September 8, 2011 at 1:34 PM

The Artist

The Artist can be seen in the yearly dance calendars, Breaking Bounds, by photographer Lois Greenfiled throughout the years.The artistically gifted second daughter who graduated from a very expensive art college in Philadelphia is one of those annoying people who can do all things artsy. Dance. Sing. Make jewelry. Photography. A genetic descendant of St. Francis of Assisi, this "sister moon" is called "the dog whisperer" behind her back by the SPP's posse. She is currently involved in animal rescue and is usually tooling around the south in her VW transporting unfortunate animals to their new homes. As a child she ate Barbie doll toes. I spent years thinking the hamster did it until The Genius set me straight.

The Teenager

The teenager became part of the family in 1994. She was born with hypoplasia of the cerebellum. As a result she has cerebral palsy. She was diagnosed with developmental delays early on and in later years has developed glaucoma and epilepsy. She was not supposed to be able to walk, talk or use her upper extremeties well. No one shared this information with her. She began walking wihout assistance at age 6. She began writing at the age of 13. After 10 years in book one of Hooked on Phonics she now reads well. She enjoys music, dancing, soccer, and her dvd collection. She loves light bulbs, cracks in windows and windshield wipers. The teenager comes up with the most interesting statements. They are rarely politically correct.

The Boy

The boy became a part of the family in 2000. He has a rare genetic disorder called Osteogenesis Imperfecta type 3. He has severe dyslexia and ADHD. The boy was not expected to survive per his geneticist and pulmonologist. No one shared this information with the boy. The boy is Evel Knievel in a Humpty Dumpty body. He loves monster trucks, cars of all kinds especially vintage and critters. The boy could not understand why I was upset with him when I discovered a live snake in his top bunk becasue it was " not poisonous." Don't ever say to the Secret Pepper Person that boys are easier than girls. I will hurt you.

The Baby

The baby became a member of the family in 2007. She was rescued by a paramedic who found her dead in the amniotic sac in a hallway. For those of you who find this offensive please get a life. The baby should be in a vegetative state from the estimated 10 minutes of cerebral anoxia. No one informed her of that. The baby is the happiest child I have ever known and is seriously nosey. She has cerebral palsy and seizures but neither interfere with her quality of life. She signs and has just begun to talk. Even when she is 30 she will be referred to as the "baby" as she is the omega child. The baby loves french fries,music, remote control cars and soft blankets. She hates peaches.

The Dog

The most recent addition to the posse came to us from Great Pyrenes Rescue. Vanna White had lived in several homes before ours and the day we met her she was leaving for yet another adoptive placement. The adoption fell through after 2 weeks as, "there was still too much puppy in her." What they really meant to say is that she likes to pee on furniture. Vanna is a herd protector by nature who is strong enough to take on a bear but becomes emotionally attached to her herd animals. This is a perfect fit for our family. She is very protective of the baby and sleeps by her crib. She has a disctinct "boy bark" which alerts me to the fact that the boy is outside doing stunts not wearing his helmet. Yes, Vanna is that intelligent. Vanna loves other dogs, digging, long walks, chicken and peeing on the sofa. She hates the rain.

The Cat

The cat showed up in our backyard about 14 years ago. No one knows where he came from or how old he was. Every time you approached him he would drop to the ground and roll, thus the name, "Roller." Once we determined that Roller wasn't rabid we decided to make him a permanent member of the family. He grudgingly obliged. Roller had some "adjustment issues" and our kind and gentle Hindu vet informed me he thought Roller needed some help "finding his place in the family" and put Roller on Elavil. In other words, the cat was seriously psycho. Roller's issues have mellowed over the years but if there are 14 people in my living room he will stalk the one person who hates cats. He is an accomplished hunter and likes to leave bloodied fruit rats on the door mat or if he's mad at me on my bed. After the last rat on the bed the cat door was nailed shut. Roller likes freedom, two story houses, rats and chocolate Ensure Plus. He hates the dog, the kids and the 4th of July.

Iris aka Virus

Iris has been with the family for almost 7 years and is the teenagers' respite worker/personal care assistant. Iris looks like a Bavarian milkmaid who should be clad in a dirndldress or lederhose. A cross between Heidi Klum and Gretel complete with culry blonde hair and rosy complexion. Iris, however, has an alter ego lovingly referred to as Virus. Virus likes the color black, sparkly clothes and metal bands. She met her husband, "the beard" at Livestock. 09 and he proposed at Livestock 12.They were married and went to a Great White concert after the ceremony. They have two model beautiful children which dispels the myth that pretty people have ugly children. Virus loves Ozzie Osborne, Motley Crue, Kiss, and Queensryche and has a Queensryche tattoo under the lederhose. If you look up Iris/Virus in Roget's Thesaurus you will find synonyms such as, "loyal, faithful, honest, kind, and long-suffering." Iris has a mental list of places she can never go to again because of the teenagers behavior. Virus doesn't care. Iris would like to have dinner with Ozzie Osborne before she dies but feels she needs an interpreter. I suggested the teenager. She hates REM and people who wear pajamas in public. Iris is the only person I would trust my children with and not be concerend about the outcome. For Iris or the children.

Documentary Diary

-Prodigal Sons
-Following Sean
-Buck
-A Man Named Pearl
-Heidi Fleiss: Hollywood Madam
-Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead
-The Dancing Boys Of Afghanistan
-Van Gogh: Brush With Genius
-The Loss Of Nameless Things
-Super Size Me
-The Last Word
-The Real Dirt On Farmer John
-Hiroshima
-Skid Row
-King Corn
-The Future Of Food
-Wal-Mart The High Cost Of Low Price
-Food, Inc.
-The Cats Of Mirikitani
-Into The Arms Of Strangers
-Something Within Me
-Born Rich
-Waiting For Armageddon
-It Might Get Loud
-Cocaine Cowboys
-After Innocence
-Radio Bikini
-Girl 27
-I Have Never Forgotten You
-Commune
-Forgiving Dr. Mengele
-Hiding And Seeking
-The Garden
-Food Matters