Aug 11, 2010

Time to Lug Out The Portable Loo

Last months pay check was $500.00 less than it should be. I took one day off for "vacation" when the artist came down. And then there are always the cancellations. I work with a population that is very medically complex. They have numerous medical appointments, many emergent situations and lots of illness. I understand completely. I also missed a day due to yet another flat tire which ended up costing me $300.00 as there wasn't enough tread to patch and "FYI, "you actually have 3 bad tires." After all of this and 3 new tires later Popi calls me before i leave for work this morning to tell me I need to get the car back to Tire Commonwealth as two of them are very low. I've been up all night with the baby who has a virus and high temp. I do not want to hear this. I stick my fingers in my la la la la..... and drive to the other side of the city where my first client is.

Actually my first client is in a galaxy far away at an amusement park so I made arrangements last night with the remainder of my clients to move them up one hour. All graciously agreed. I arrive at 9:00 am for our pre-arranged session at the day care. No baby. Mee Ma (not the real name) took the baby somewhere else but neither day care person or Mee Ma thought about calling me. Yes, I had just spoken to them 12 hours ago. "I'll sign your paper for you," says the gracious day care person. I explained to her that I cannot charge for my services if I don't actually work with a client. Two months ago the hospital I contract out with quit reimbursing for client no shows so my trip to the other side of the city is without gas reimbursement as well.

It's too early to go to my next client who is generally asleep when I get there at the usual time of 12:30 and I have no cell phone to call them anyway as I discovered this morning that i had left it behind earlier this week at another clients... on the other side of the city. A moot point anyway as suddenly and unexpectedly I get horrific diarrhea. There are few bathrooms in the hood. My house is on the other side of the city in the general vicinity of the cell phone but i remember something terrible. Even if I make it home there is always
No tire de la cadena del inodoro! At this time I'm 99% sure I just crapped my pants.

I speed to a distant pharmacy in the rain on my floppy tires and mow down any blue haired lady that gets in my way while I'm doing an accelerated "sting ray shuffle" to the pharmacy bathroom located at the very back of the store. I notice pee all over the bathroom floor. I have a very strong stomach but not when it comes to public restrooms. Public restrooms induce a panic in me that intravenous Valium wouldn't touch. I'd rather be back in Haiti pooping in an outhouse crawling with tarantulas than in a public USA restroom. There's just something about that faux cleanliness that reeks of disease. The pee on the floor only heightens my anxiety but I'm desperate. I plop down quickly unable to swathe the toilet seat in paper, relieved that I did not poop my pants but the relief is short lived. Someone has peed all over the toilet seat as well as the floor. OMG!

Then I remember I am unable to even shower when i get home because of
No tire de la cadena del inodoro!! I spend the next 5 minutes washing my butt off with tp and hand soap.

At this juncture I give up. Before I drive home to use my home phone to cancel the remaining client I stop at the grocery store. As the lady is bagging my hamburger and chicken I notice she is putting them in different PLASTIC bags. I inform her they can go in the same bag. She seems a little snippy when she explains that most people don't want their raw chicken in with anything else even their raw hamburger. Sweetheart. Sweetheart. Sweetheart. At this point if i ended up with e-coli AND salmonella it couldn't be any worse than what my butt has been through already today. I would consider it a mercy killing.

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Anonymous said...

I have public-toilet-aphobia, too. I dream about filthy restrooms. I did just last night! It was a multi-stall ladies loo on a cruise ship and everything was pooped and peed on and most of the doors were broken off their hinges. EWWWW! then I woke up.

What is wrong with me??

Michelle said...

Dis-gus-ting. I can't even.

Ginger Doll said...

I'm not sure how I came across your blog, but I am very gald I did. You are a very funny, entertaining narrator. And I have to say my knees crossed and my butt tightened in response to this post (having disgraced myself in public thanks to aggravated IBS).

How's Frank?

debe said...

My dear woman.

Gentle Hugs to you, and your quest for a public restroom, running as quick as you can with your butt clenched and your teeth grittted

I feel your pain.

What a rude day you have had.